Ranked · The Catalog
The Worst Holiday Sins, Ranked
Pie standoffs, white elephant thefts and the decorations that outlasted the season. Ranked by how much they will be mentioned at next year's gathering.
- 1
"Brought up an old argument you "weren't bothered by" anymore"
You said you were over it in March. It is now October. The argument arrived at dinner like an uninvited guest who'd been in the car the whole time.
- 2
"Compared siblings at the dinner table"
"Your brother never had this problem." Your brother was not at this table. He is at this table now. He was always at this table.
- 3
"Kissed someone at midnight you had no business kissing"
The countdown ended. So did several friendships and one decision-making process.
- 4
"Stole a pumpkin from a neighbor's porch"
It was already carved. It was already glowing. It is now yours and unreasonably smug.
- 5
"Asked a sibling to remember every family birthday for you"
Your sibling is not a subscription calendar.
- 6
"Ate the good candy out of your kid's bag "to check it""
The inspection found the Reese's. The inspection also found the Kit Kats. The inspection is ongoing.
- 7
"Ate the stuffing before it reached the table"
It was a test taste. The test lasted four servings and the table found out.
- 8
"Borrowed something and returned it in worse condition"
"It's basically the same." It was not basically the same. Objectively: it was worse.
- 9
"Brought a store-bought pie and let people assume you baked it"
Nobody asked. You also did not answer when somebody complimented the crust.
- 10
"Brought up a chore from ten years ago as evidence"
The dishes summoned historical evidence.
- 11
"Canceled the family lunch for a one o'clock kickoff"
The table was set for eight. The screen was set for one.
- 12
"Claimed "I don't really do gifts" and then expected one"
The announcement was made in November. The expectant look appeared in December. The policy applied selectively and everyone noticed.
- 13
"Claimed you were "almost there" when you hadn't left yet"
You were not almost there. You were in your living room. "Almost" was a creative choice.
- 14
"Fell asleep on the couch while everyone else did the dishes"
The football game was on. The football game was winning.
- 15
"Forgot a birthday you were reminded of twice"
You got two reminders. Two. The phone knew. The calendar knew. You chose not to.
- 16
"Forgot to buy a card and signed the office card "Happy Holidays, Me""
There was a space for your name. You wrote the word "Me." HR has questions.
- 17
"Gave parenting advice when nobody asked"
The parent was present. The child was fine. You had thoughts anyway. The thoughts were not requested. They were received.
- 18
"Ghosted someone and called it a Halloween theme"
You haven't replied since September. Technically, that's just excellent commitment to the bit.
- 19
"Gloated in the family group chat after winning the fantasy league"
Seventeen messages. One trophy emoji. No survivors.
- 20
"Handed out raisins to trick-or-treaters"
The children looked at you the way you look at a bill you've been avoiding.
- 21
"Made a family member the keeper of an item you keep losing"
Your keys became everyone's side quest.
- 22
"Offered to help cook, sampled everything, and disappeared"
You were the sous-chef of tasting.
- 23
"Opened Christmas gifts before Christmas morning"
You found the hiding spot. You looked inside. You then performed surprise with the energy of a community theater lead.
- 24
"Promised to bring extra chairs and arrived with one"
You brought a chair. Problem solved for one.
- 25
"Raided a relative's pantry during a visit"
You brought an empty tote and left stocked.