"Wore a "scary" costume that was just your regular clothes"
You said you were "a person who has given up." Nobody laughed, but everyone understood.
The Catalog · All sins
Seasonal
Holiday and time-of-year transgressions: the Halloween candy raid, the Thanksgiving pie standoff, the white elephant theft and the New Year's resolution that lasted three days. A new batch arrives with each season.
"Took the whole bowl of candy because nobody was coming"
Nine kids rang the bell. You answered the door with a mouth full of fun-size Snickers.
"Ghosted someone and called it a Halloween theme"
You haven't replied since September. Technically, that's just excellent commitment to the bit.
"Handed out raisins to trick-or-treaters"
The children looked at you the way you look at a bill you've been avoiding.
"Ate the good candy out of your kid's bag "to check it""
The inspection found the Reese's. The inspection also found the Kit Kats. The inspection is ongoing.
"Turned off the porch light and hid in the dark from trick-or-treaters"
You sat silently in your own home like a raccoon in a trash can. The doorbell rang eleven times.
"Showed up to the office party in a costume nobody could identify"
You spent twenty minutes explaining it. The explanation was the costume.
"Stole a pumpkin from a neighbor's porch"
It was already carved. It was already glowing. It is now yours and unreasonably smug.
"Took the last slice of pie and said nothing"
Eleven people were still eyeing it. You made eye contact with none of them.
"Claimed you "just don't like turkey" to avoid carving it"
The knife was right there. The gravy was ready. Your cousin had a dozen opinions and a strong grip.
"Said "I'll bring something" and showed up with ice"
The ice was cold, as promised. The expectations of your host were also cold.
"Hid in the bathroom to avoid the political argument at dinner"
You sat on the edge of the tub for twenty minutes, scrolling. The cranberry sauce has no memory of this.
"Ate the stuffing before it reached the table"
It was a test taste. The test lasted four servings and the table found out.
"Brought a store-bought pie and let people assume you baked it"
Nobody asked. You also did not answer when somebody complimented the crust.
"Fell asleep on the couch while everyone else did the dishes"
The football game was on. The football game was winning.
"Started the holiday playlist on November 1st"
The calendar offered resistance. You offered a Mariah Carey streak.
"Re-gifted something and forgot who gave it to you"
The card was still in the box. So was the original giver, in the audience.
"Drew a name for Secret Santa and spent exactly the minimum"
The gift was a mug. The mug had a logo. The logo was from a different company.
"Peeked at your presents before Christmas"
You rewrapped them. The tape was a different tape. The tape knows.
"Stole in the white elephant exchange and felt nothing"
"Stealing is part of the game," you said, holding a weighted blanket that was not yours.
"Left the Christmas lights up until July"
They were festive in December and a legal matter by Easter. The neighbors have a group chat.
"Opened a gift and said "you shouldn't have" and meant it"
The sweater was beige. The look on your face was the opposite of beige.
"Skipped the holiday party and told everyone you had "plans""
The plans were a couch, a blanket, and a documentary about bridges.
"Forgot to buy a card and signed the office card "Happy Holidays, Me""
There was a space for your name. You wrote the word "Me." HR has questions.
"Made a New Year's resolution and quit by January 3rd"
The gym membership is still active. The gym does not know your face.
"Said "new year, new me" and changed nothing but the calendar"
The old you is still here. They've made themselves comfortable on your couch.
"Fell asleep before midnight on New Year's Eve"
The ball dropped. You were dreaming about snacks. You woke up in the future, disappointed.
"Kissed someone at midnight you had no business kissing"
The countdown ended. So did several friendships and one decision-making process.
"Told everyone you'd "definitely stay in touch" this year"
You said it at 11:58 p.m. to a person whose last name you still don't know.
"Posted a "2026 recap" that was mostly a flex"
Eleven photos, one sunset, and zero mentions of the three weeks you spent ordering from the same pizza place.
"Started a "dry January" and lasted until the first Friday"
The Friday arrived. So did the wine. So did a very flexible definition of "dry."
"Left your holiday decorations up through February"
The tree is now a lifestyle choice. The needles have become part of your floor.
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