"Microwaved salmon in the break room"
The smell outlived your lunch. It outlived the afternoon. Some say it is still there.
The Catalog · All sins
Office
Workplace parody offenses requiring special penance. Microwaved fish, the passive-aggressive sticky note, and the meeting that could have been an email: all pardoned here.
"Replied-all to a company-wide email by accident"
"Happy birthday Steve" - received by 3,400 colleagues who do not know Steve.
"Scheduled a meeting that could have been an email"
You have stolen 45 minutes from each of 6 people. That is 4.5 hours of human life, gone.
"Said "circling back" unironically"
You have circled back. You have taken synergy. You are the thing the parody always warned about.
"Took the last of the coffee and didn't start a new pot"
You drained the last drops and walked away clean. There is a word for people like you.
"Joined a Zoom call and immediately said "can everyone hear me?""
We can hear you. The green waveform is jumping. This is what the waveform is for.
"Left dishes in the sink with one small corner clean and called it "done""
That is not done. That is a drawing of done. Actual done requires soap.
"Printed a 30-page document to read two lines"
The tree would like a word.
"Had your mic on mute and passionately spoke for 45 seconds"
Your wisdom was delivered into a void. The void has no notes on it.
"Booked the small conference room for a 1-on-1 during crunch week"
Six people needed that room. It was just you and Kevin having a vibe check.
""Per my last email...""
Technically professional. Absolutely devastating. A surgical strike in 18 words or fewer.
"Brought extremely fragrant food to your desk"
It smelled wonderful to you. To your open-plan neighbors, it was an event.
"Clipped fingernails at your desk"
There is a bathroom. It has a door. The door closes. You chose the open floor plan instead.
"Billed your side hustle to company hours"
Technically you were at your desk. Technically your laptop was open. The Slack status said "In a meeting." The meeting was with your own ambitions.
"Took credit for a team effort in a one-on-one with your manager"
"I put together the deck." The deck had four authors. You were one of them. Your pronoun choice was an executive decision.
"Complained about a meeting in the meeting's own chat thread"
The channel was called #project-kickoff. You called the kickoff "pointless" in #project-kickoff. Nobody forgot.
"Set an out-of-office that provides no useful alternative contact"
"I'm away and will respond when I return." When? To what? Who covers you? The auto-reply has raised more questions than it answered.
"Narrated your screen share out loud in real time"
"So here I'm just going to... and then I'll just... okay so this is where..." We can see the screen. We have eyes. The running commentary was optional.
"Volunteered a colleague for something without asking them first"
"Sarah would be great for that." Sarah was not in the room. Sarah had a full calendar. Sarah found out via the calendar invite.
"Took forever in the one-stall bathroom"
You turned the only stall into a reservation-only venue.
"Left the bathroom looking like the aftermath of a bad Mexican dinner"
Your lunch checked out. The bathroom did not.
"Walked away from a printer jam you caused"
The printer jam is your legacy.
"Asked a "quick question" at 4:59 p.m."
A quick question with an overtime clause.
"Moved a meeting onto everyone’s lunch hour"
The calendar was open. The stomachs were not.
"Changed the office thermostat and acted surprised by the temperature"
A climate policy of one.
"Hover-watched a coworker solve the problem you brought them"
The solution came with a live commentator.
"Sent a "gentle reminder" six minutes after the first message"
Your urgency has a six-minute incubation period.
"Ate a lunch with someone else’s name on it"
The label was the victim's name.
"Volunteered to take meeting notes and wrote "discussed next steps""
Minutes taken. Notes, not so much.
"Left the whiteboard marker uncapped for the next meeting"
Your marker retired mid-shift.
"Marked a task complete because you sent someone else a question"
Delegation, disguised as completion.
"Started packing up during someone else’s presentation"
Your zipper was the loudest feedback.
"Used the office fridge as long-term storage"
The fridge is not your time capsule.
"Asked for feedback and argued with every answer"
You requested feedback and returned counteroffers.
"Asked "Can I just show you?" and took 45 minutes"
The demo was longer than the problem.
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