"RSVP'd yes and then just... didn't go"
A table was set. A name card was made. A chair sat empty in your honor.
The Catalog · All sins
Social
Crimes against gatherings, plans and the people who attended them. The last-minute cancellation, the unrequested story, and the confident "I'll be there" that was never going to be true.
"Turned a 2-minute story into a 20-minute saga"
"Wait, I need to give you background." The background took 19 minutes. The story was 60 seconds.
"Talked about your diet at the dinner table"
Food was present. People were eating. You chose this moment for your macros discourse.
"Made every conversation about yourself"
"That's so interesting - something similar happened to me in 2017..." Nobody asked about 2017.
"Said "I'm not a hugger" and then hugged the next person anyway"
You had a policy. You then suspended the policy based entirely on vibes. We noticed.
"Gave unsolicited life advice to someone venting"
They wanted an ear. You gave a TED Talk. The audience was not in the mood.
"Announced you were leaving, then stayed for 45 minutes"
The goodbye was a lie. Three false starts later, you were still somehow here.
"Brought up politics at Thanksgiving unprovoked"
The turkey had done nothing wrong. The table had done nothing wrong. You chose violence.
"Laughed at your own joke before finishing it"
You lost the thread. We lost the punchline. The laugh is the only survivor.
"Told someone they "look tired""
"You look tired" means something. It always means that thing. You meant that thing.
"Checked your phone during someone else's speech"
They were pouring their heart out. You were reading a DoorDash notification.
"Said "no offense" before the most offensive thing you've ever said"
"No offense" is a legal disclaimer for rudeness. The court found it unconvincing.
"Gave a gift that was clearly more for you than for them"
A bread maker. For someone who does not bake. Who has expressed no interest in baking. Who now owns a bread maker.
"Showed up to a party empty-handed after saying "I'll bring something""
The "something" evaporated somewhere between the promise and the door. You arrived with only yourself. That was not the deal.
"Replied "I can't, I have plans" and then posted on Instagram that same night"
The plans were visible. They were timestamped. They were in a story that expired in 24 hours but not before the right person saw it.
"Said "I'm terrible with names" as a personality trait instead of a problem to fix"
You have repeated this for fifteen years. In fifteen years you have learned no strategies. The names continue to escape you, unbothered.
"Talked extensively about a dream you had"
"And then the floor became a fish, but it was also my third grade teacher, and somehow we were late for something..." We were not there. We cannot be made to care.
"Used your pet as a conversation exit strategy every single time"
"Oh I should actually get back, the dog..." The dog has been walked. The dog is asleep. The dog is being used as an alibi.
"Yelled at the television as if the referee could hear"
Your advice was thorough. The device was not listening.
"Said "we" after a win you only watched"
Your contribution was the sofa. It performed well.
"Explained the rules to a guest who never asked"
They only wanted the snacks.
"Demanded the coach be fired in week four, then a statue by ten"
The verdict was reversed faster than the standings changed.
"Called every play from the sofa with no qualifications"
The plan was sound. It was also never sent.
"Claimed to be a fan since the beginning, which was Tuesday"
Decades of loyalty. Verified by nobody.
"Spent the whole day tailgating and never entered the venue"
The party was excellent. The event happened without them.
"Argued for twenty minutes about what counts as a catch"
The play lasted two seconds. The hearing did not.
"Booed the kicker you worshipped last week"
Devotion has a one-week warranty.
"Arrived half an hour early and watched the host finish cleaning"
The party started when the vacuum stopped.
"Brought a complicated board game to a casual hangout"
The rules had their own intermission.
"Brought a surprise plus-one to a dinner with assigned seats"
Surprise! So is the seating chart.
"Called everyone back for one more group photo, four times"
The smiles filed for overtime.
"Asked how much the gift cost while it was being opened"
The gift came with an audit.
"Corrected the details of someone else’s story while they told it"
You fact-checked the punchline to death.
"Gave a compliment with a trapdoor in it"
A compliment with a hidden invoice.
"Cornered someone who had already said goodbye"
The goodbye needed an escape plan.
"Sent a seven-minute voice message to answer a yes-or-no question"
A yes, with director's commentary.
"Turned a friendly game into a rules tribunal"
Fun was overruled on appeal.
"Said "we should do this more often" and never made a plan"
A recurring plan with zero dates.
"Seized the music and played your entire discovery playlist"
The aux cord became a hostage situation.
"Suggested splitting the bill evenly after ordering the most"
Your dessert acquired investors.
"Became the unofficial spokesperson for a person standing beside you"
Their answer, featuring you.
"Shared a friend’s big news before they could"
You stole the ribbon-cutting.
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