"Five-starred a book you did not read"
The algorithm rewarded a novel you only understand from the cover and the vibes. The author deserves better.
The Catalog · All sins
Internet
Doomscrolling, the hot take and the eleven open tabs you are definitely going to read. A catalog of online misdeeds, tastefully rendered and available for immediate atonement.
"Subtweeted someone they absolutely saw"
"Not naming names." You named names. The names had Wi-Fi and read it immediately.
"Argued in the comments section and won nothing"
An hour of your life. Several paragraphs. The other person said "lol ok." That was the end.
"Took a photo of a sunset instead of watching it"
The sky gave you 3 minutes of genuine beauty. You spent it adjusting the exposure.
"Used "do your own research" as a citation"
That is not a source. That is an instruction not to look too closely.
"Wrote a 1-star review over a personal inconvenience unrelated to the product"
"The delivery was late and I was having a bad week." The coffee maker did not cause this.
"Shared an article from a headline alone"
The body of the article directly contradicts the headline. The headline was exciting, though.
"Rated an app 5 stars because it asked nicely enough times"
The pop-up appeared four times. On the fourth time, you surrendered. They counted on this.
"Followed someone just to DM them and then unfollowed"
The follow was a key. The door was a DM. The unfollow left no evidence except it left all the evidence.
"Clicked "agree to all cookies" on every website forever"
You are being tracked across 4,000 platforms and your data paints a portrait you would not choose.
"Posted a throwback that was only 8 months ago"
"Throwback Thursday" implies a meaningful temporal distance. 8 months is a season ago.
"Sent a meme without context at 1am"
The meme arrived. No explanation accompanied it. The recipient stared at it for two minutes and just said "haha".
"Left a comment saying "this is so sad" on a post that was not sad"
The post was a dog wearing sunglasses. You wrote "this is so sad." The dog was fine. Everyone was confused.
"Typed "first!" on something and were not first"
You were sixth. The comment remains. It will remain.
"Screenshot-shared a news story from 2019 as if it just happened"
The outrage was fresh. The story was not. The date was right there, in the corner, the whole time.
"Replied to an obvious satire article in complete sincerity"
The website was called "The Banter Report." The article was about penguins running for mayor. You wrote three paragraphs in response.
"Sent a "thinking of you" text to someone you've been meaning to properly catch up with for two years"
The text was kind. The text was also a substitute for the actual conversation. The conversation remains unscheduled.
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