"Set 7 alarms and snoozed all of them"
6:00. 6:09. 6:18. 6:27. Each one a broken promise. Each one a chance you declined.
The Catalog · All sins
Self-Inflicted
The sins no one else did to you because you did them yourself. Snoozed alarms, abandoned resolutions and the purchase of a gym membership as a personality.
"Opened a self-help book and never got past chapter 2"
Chapter 1 introduced the problem. Chapter 2 was the solution. You will never know the solution.
"Told yourself "I'll start Monday" for 14 Mondays"
Monday came. Monday left. Monday came back again. Monday has started to feel mocked.
"Bought a gym membership in January and attended twice"
The gym did not fail you. The 5am alarm did not fail you. You failed each other, mutually.
"Made a to-do list and then lost the to-do list"
The act of writing it felt like doing it. The list disagrees, somewhere.
"Doomscrolled for 2 hours before bed and wondered why you couldn't sleep"
The phone provided 900 distressing items in a row and you asked it for more. The mystery of the sleeplessness remains.
"Said "I'm fine" when you were not fine"
A classic. The original self-betrayal. Repeated daily. Recognized by everyone except the person saying it.
"Googled your symptoms and diagnosed yourself with something serious"
The headache had a perfectly reasonable cause. WebMD had a different theory. You believed WebMD.
"Stayed up to finish something you hadn't started earlier because you were on your phone"
The phone gave you the procrastination. The deadline gave you the panic. You provided the setting.
"Paid for a streaming service for 3 months without watching it"
"I'll get around to it." The invoices did not share your optimism.
"Avoided a 2-minute task for 3 weeks"
The task asked nothing unreasonable. You simply could not face it until circumstances forced your hand.
"Rehearsed a difficult conversation so thoroughly you forgot to actually have it"
The script was perfect. The timing was never right. The issue remains unresolved. The rehearsal was the only performance.
"Watched a cooking video and then ordered takeout"
The video was instructional. It instructed you that cooking is complex. You processed this and called DoorDash. The video achieved the opposite of its intention.
"Told yourself "I'll remember this" instead of writing it down"
You did not remember it. Nobody does. That is why notes exist. The notes were right there.
"Bought a planner in January and stopped using it by February 8th"
January has twelve entries. February has seven. There is a blank sticker on March that was meant to motivate you. It did not.
"Apologized so preemptively and excessively that the other person ended up comforting you"
You came to make amends. By the end, they were reassuring you. The original issue was never addressed. A new issue was created.
"Told the hygienist you floss every day"
She looked at your gums, then at you, and both of you agreed to keep going with the appointment.
"Claimed you brush twice a day"
Once, in the morning, for nine seconds, mostly in the dark. "Twice" is a rounding error you have chosen to believe in.
"Booked the six-month cleaning 14 months late"
The receptionist said "it's been a while" with the warmth of a parole officer. She was being kind.
"Chewed ice like your molars were free"
Every crunch was a small deposit toward a future crown. The crown will cost more than the drink did.
"Ate candy right after the dentist said to cut back on sugar"
The dentist's voice was still in the room. The wrapper was already open.
"Bought whitening strips for a smile nobody asked for"
You wore them for the full 30 minutes, lips parted like a haunted mannequin. The smile is now two shades brighter and exactly as noticed.
"Told the dentist it doesn't hurt while they were poking it"
You said "it's fine" through cotton and a tiny mirror. The tooth filed a rebuttal.
"Opened a package with your teeth"
The scissors were eleven feet away. Your incisors were right there, unpaid and unprepared.
"Stopped taking the antibiotics the day you felt better"
The bottle said "finish the course." You treated it as a suggestion from a bottle.
"Sighed loudly at the person ahead of you in the pharmacy line"
They were asking a real question about a real prescription. You were holding a single greeting card.
"Kept a drawer of expired medicine just in case"
In case of what, you have never specified. The ibuprofen is from 2019 and has become more of a keepsake.
"Said "I'll pick it up tomorrow" seven days in a row"
Your prescription is still at the counter, holding your name like a sad little sign at an airport.
"Bought vitamins and never opened the bottle"
The new you was supposed to start the day you bought them. The seal is intact, and so is the old you.
"Told the pharmacist you only drink socially"
She asked a screening question and you gave a press release. She has heard "socially" before. It was not true then either.
"Played video games all day like you were sixteen again"
You were fine until you stood up.
"Left the fantasy lineup on autopilot and called it strategy"
The roster has not been opened since week one. The confidence remains.
"Wore the same unwashed jersey all season for luck"
The shirt has not lost since October. The shirt has not been laundered since October.
"Blamed the loss on leaving the couch for one minute"
The cushion was empty. The result followed.
"Rooted against your own team for a fantasy touchdown"
Loyalty was suspended for one late score.
"Said "it's a long season" in September and went silent by November"
The phrase aged badly. It was retired without ceremony.
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