Ranked · The Catalog
The Worst Office Crimes, Ranked
Microwaved fish, the reply-all and the meeting that could have been an email. Ranked from mild irritation to formal HR conversation, each available for a modest and entirely non-binding absolution.
- 1
"Billed your side hustle to company hours"
Technically you were at your desk. Technically your laptop was open. The Slack status said "In a meeting." The meeting was with your own ambitions.
- 2
"Took credit for a team effort in a one-on-one with your manager"
"I put together the deck." The deck had four authors. You were one of them. Your pronoun choice was an executive decision.
- 3
"Ate a lunch with someone else’s name on it"
The label was the victim's name.
- 4
"Clipped fingernails at your desk"
There is a bathroom. It has a door. The door closes. You chose the open floor plan instead.
- 5
"Left the bathroom looking like the aftermath of a bad Mexican dinner"
Your lunch checked out. The bathroom did not.
- 6
"Scheduled a meeting that could have been an email"
You have stolen 45 minutes from each of 6 people. That is 4.5 hours of human life, gone.
- 7
"Volunteered a colleague for something without asking them first"
"Sarah would be great for that." Sarah was not in the room. Sarah had a full calendar. Sarah found out via the calendar invite.
- 8
""Per my last email...""
Technically professional. Absolutely devastating. A surgical strike in 18 words or fewer.
- 9
"Asked "Can I just show you?" and took 45 minutes"
The demo was longer than the problem.
- 10
"Asked a "quick question" at 4:59 p.m."
A quick question with an overtime clause.
- 11
"Asked for feedback and argued with every answer"
You requested feedback and returned counteroffers.
- 12
"Booked the small conference room for a 1-on-1 during crunch week"
Six people needed that room. It was just you and Kevin having a vibe check.
- 13
"Brought extremely fragrant food to your desk"
It smelled wonderful to you. To your open-plan neighbors, it was an event.
- 14
"Changed the office thermostat and acted surprised by the temperature"
A climate policy of one.
- 15
"Complained about a meeting in the meeting's own chat thread"
The channel was called #project-kickoff. You called the kickoff "pointless" in #project-kickoff. Nobody forgot.
- 16
"Left dishes in the sink with one small corner clean and called it "done""
That is not done. That is a drawing of done. Actual done requires soap.
- 17
"Marked a task complete because you sent someone else a question"
Delegation, disguised as completion.
- 18
"Microwaved salmon in the break room"
The smell outlived your lunch. It outlived the afternoon. Some say it is still there.
- 19
"Moved a meeting onto everyone’s lunch hour"
The calendar was open. The stomachs were not.
- 20
"Printed a 30-page document to read two lines"
The tree would like a word.
- 21
"Replied-all to a company-wide email by accident"
"Happy birthday Steve" - received by 3,400 colleagues who do not know Steve.
- 22
"Set an out-of-office that provides no useful alternative contact"
"I'm away and will respond when I return." When? To what? Who covers you? The auto-reply has raised more questions than it answered.
- 23
"Took forever in the one-stall bathroom"
You turned the only stall into a reservation-only venue.
- 24
"Took the last of the coffee and didn't start a new pot"
You drained the last drops and walked away clean. There is a word for people like you.
- 25
"Used the office fridge as long-term storage"
The fridge is not your time capsule.