"Forgot a birthday you were reminded of twice"
You got two reminders. Two. The phone knew. The calendar knew. You chose not to.
I. · The Catalog
371 redeemable indiscretions.
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"Compared siblings at the dinner table"
"Your brother never had this problem." Your brother was not at this table. He is at this table now. He was always at this table.
"Opened Christmas gifts before Christmas morning"
You found the hiding spot. You looked inside. You then performed surprise with the energy of a community theater lead.
"Gave a gift with the price tag still on"
Intentional or not, we all saw the $7.99 sticker. We said nothing. We thought everything.
"Brought your phone to family game night"
Monopoly takes 4 hours and someone always gets upset. Your phone had nothing to do with that. You still brought it.
"Borrowed something and returned it in worse condition"
"It's basically the same." It was not basically the same. Objectively: it was worse.
"Texted from two rooms away instead of walking over"
The person was 15 feet away. You sent a text. The laziness was architectural in scale.
"Called your parent by accident and hung up without saying anything"
They saw the miss. They called back worried. You had dialed your pocket. Classic pocket.
"Claimed you were "almost there" when you hadn't left yet"
You were not almost there. You were in your living room. "Almost" was a creative choice.
"Claimed "I don't really do gifts" and then expected one"
The announcement was made in November. The expectant look appeared in December. The policy applied selectively and everyone noticed.
"Had a side conversation at full volume during a family movie"
The movie was playing. You were also playing — a separate, louder movie called "things that happened to me at work."
"Gave parenting advice when nobody asked"
The parent was present. The child was fine. You had thoughts anyway. The thoughts were not requested. They were received.